The Silence of Sound

Some days, the sound is deafening. It comes from nowhere, sometimes brought on by something I ate; yesterday. Everything effects Tinnitus. Learning to manage it, when it is so loud it alters incoming sound, a very difficult task. It can be very demoralizing. Once you figure out how each one of your senses relates to one another, you realize; you never lose anything, you only gain further knowledge on how to control yourself.

Being deaf sucks, I can only imagine. I am not deaf. I hear bi-laterally though. Each ear picks up such a wide range of tones that are different from one another. This causes sounds to come in distorted; then, my memory has to figure them out. It causes a natural pause.

My new super-power.

I am a genius. This has been proven and it is all because of a smack to the forehead with a sledghammer. Now, I would not go pounding your prefrontal cortex hoping to unlock your inner genius. Once I figure out the vibration pattern, I will share it freely, you do not want to do it the hard way on this one, I promise.

(I am taking a quick break to let the reader know I am shaking as I write this, and laughing histarically about it like an idiot. I am not cold but my body is shivering to the point it is difficult to type sentences. I could go inside; however, I am typing in Phoenix at 630am and it is 68 degrees out. There is no reason to be shaking. Apparently I have acclimated to the desert climate a little too much; I need a hoodie and it is 68 degrees. Conditioning.)

So… What the hell happened during that explosion?

We can only theorize that my pre-frontal cortex took, and survived, a shock that it probably shouldn’t have. Lucky me, I am alive and that is a start to something. This statement has occured numerous times in my life.

Once after almost drowning while surfing El Nino in 1999. Sorry ma, it was some Point Break shit and I had to see if I could do it. I should have stopped at one; but, where is the fun in that.

This blast I took rocks not only my prefrontal cortex, but changes my sensory perception at the same time; only, I did not realize it. My reality was my reality, but my reality was all fucked up. A psych test of epic proportions.

How you getting back from this one asshole?

That is what I thought, when I could think like I used to think; again. Until then, the moment was all I knew. Trying to get through it like some barricaded door a hostage taker was on the other side of. This is a chess game where multiple lives are at stake, not just your own.

I am a firm beliver in EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Who are you to determine that reason? Just overcome the damn obstacle, go around it, or dig under it. IF you cannot at the time, go back a little, see what you missed; move forward from there. That is life. It is not always forward progress. You need to get knocked on your ass a couple times in order to learn how to get up.

The times I got knocked on my ass, all of them, are what pulled me through. I am a smart mouth son of a bitch; I have been knocked on my ass a bunch. It is how you build a slow steady defense; by figuring out you are not as bad as you think. Cool, find the next one and try again.

Find the next one sounds really aggressive; but, here is how I work.

At 165 pounds in a world of egotistical giants you cannot go facing off against everyone that challenges you. You will get destroyed quickly. Pick your battles, make them challenging, enter them knowing you can bet the challenge; as long as you know you can beat the challenge.

The momentum of a fist fight can change in an instant. Like life, explosions, and time, nothing waits for the conscious decision of man.

It just happens.

You cannot prepare for the fight while you are in it.

That is why I am so focused on psychology; and not just one aspect of it. An understanding of your own psyhology and how to manage your emotions is the key to your success; one hundred percent.

Back to DaVinci and Fibonacci… Everything connects; your psych included.

You start off as a small organsim. Sperm and egg meet and the something from nothing begins.

1 – brain.

1 – body.

combine to form you and your thinking processes.

2.

combine with the organs and lungs and tissues, never stopping, constantly increasing in mass and thought until you reach the top; and start to come down.

What if you never reached the top?

It is not unusual to think you would ever stop growing, is it? When do we stop growing? Why?

Science tells us that cells have a shelf-life. Science also tells us that our body will produce new cells. We are told some cells cannot be reproduced once they are gone they are gone forever.

Shennanigans.

Science just has not proven it yet, so it must not exist.

You are a perpetual motion machine. Fix your thoughts, and you will fix yourself.

Back to how…

In less than 24 hours I have flooded this page with a number of posts I have written in the past 24 hours. Most have come from memory, some transcribed from notes that I wrote while walking in the areas I am describing. I wanted to remember a certain detail, the way the wind hit my face and delivered the smell of something that made me smile.

Neuropsychology.

That was the key to my understanding.

EXACTLY how MY brain works.

I do not need someone ith a lower IQ score telling me how to do, well… me. Do I?

Fuck yes you do. The IQ score is a load of shit. Especially any IQ score derived from a word association and definition section of a psych test. Knowledge comes with understanding HOW to apply, properly, what has been presented.

Since science is a continuous search, new information updates and outdates previous information and theories daily. Even with the advancement of technology, someone can preach the wrong information to the masses for years before learning… oops, I was wrong.

Just admit it. There is honor in being wrong, you are evolving your own understanding. Not only of the physical world you live in; but, more importantly how you observe it, take it in with your senses and make decisions based on what you receive.

When that receiving mechanism you have relied on for your entire life fails all of a sudden; there is a little bit of a learning curve. Know that going in and you will come out. Think you will ever be the old you in the old way; it will kill you trying to get there.

What would be the point in going back?

I hope you thought: “To move forward, always.”

Never give up.

I had to learn to use everyone of my senses over again; not just my hearing. My hearing affected every other sense. The loss of hearing caused a phantom limb effect of sorts and amplified every other sense beyond control; or belief.

This caused some serious problems.

Then, the magic actually happened. I isolated, and increased them even more. It became addicting.

The peaceful nothing.

I got to where I would let the Tinnitus lull me to sleep at night. Then I knew I could start trying to come out into the world again. Nope, they are not ready for the new me. I think way too fast now; and, I am fucking angry.

I lash out.

Not violently, but some shit needs said.

Fuck yes I felt abandoned. I was. I focused on that and it drove me. Left to die, broken and discarded after giving your heart, soul, body and mind to everyone. Fuck you they say, we are done with you.

Are you done with yourself?

No.

Never.

Again.

Yes, again. It finally got to that point. The PTSD was so severe I just said fuck it and ended it.

In my greatest failure; came my greatest success. It was that failure that led me to isolation in order to figure out my own psych with accelerated thought processes caused by an explosion.

Holy shit what a difference a month to yourself can make.

That was then… this is now.

Focused and driven only to help others overcome severe psychological trauma. Like the Predator, if it bleeds, you can kill it… If you think it, you can heal it. I promise, but you have to believe it.

That was the true power of Jesus. The ability to make people see the beauty in themselves and heal themselves in a time when medicine, was witchcraft. Especially in the eyes of the church.

The organized church may have started off with good intent; however, it too was hijacked by the same souls selling themselves to the highest bidder. If not, then why do they own so much stuff and how are they so intertwined with the very corrupt politics that keep us enslaved to the beliefs we are enslaved to?

Someone has to control the keys to the pearly gates.

I’m here to tell you, having stood in front of them.

No man has the keys, they sure dont have the map to where they are located. The rest… that is for you to figure out.

I am just here to help however I can, wish well to those I cannot; and destroy any mother fucker dumb enough to attack me.

A pawn.

You, are not how you are viewed; but how you feel inside. Live accordingly.

Nothing more than a pawn in a king’s chess game. A sniper, hidden in the ghillie of the disabled, just to see who is willing to pick on a disguised predator.

Never prey on anyone; if you do, you better make sure they are not a more dangerous predator you simply failed to study accordingly before being bitten.

Live free

Live accordingly

(P.S. It is now 7:13am and I am no longer shaking. I am sweating. What was that about Kansas weather? It sure changes rapidly here too. I guess like life, what you notice; is what you give attention to; like the little things you make matter.)